Did you miss the finale of Bravo’s Start-Ups: Silicon Valley? Worry not: the Kernel’s got you covered with this exclusive round-up of the action from one of the show’s breakout stars, Sarah Austin.
Ohmygod you GUYS! Can you even BELIEVE what that fucking slut bitch Hermione SAID about me? I mean all I said was she had cankles, which she TOTALLY does, I mean not everyone can be as pretty and talented as me. I hate jealousy, it’s such an ugly emotion, know what I mean? Anyway can you believe that pair of freaks closed a round? She’s only on the show because I told Randi she’d be like a less hot me and now she is totally stealing my thunder. What a fucking slut. So anyway listen you guys, I went home this weekend, and Zuckerberg’s cute little Asian girlfriend who I was rude to like ONE TIME back in high school was at the house and she totally blanked me. Seriously! She was being a total slut, so Tiff – you know Tiff, her boyfriend runs that really cool Instagram/Flickr API mashup thing, I mean I don’t really understand it but Fred Wilson said it was cool one time – told me I should ignore Princess Slitty-Slut because, you know, her dad died in that car accident in 2005 and stuff. Or maybe that was someone else. Anyway I’m not forgiving her for kissing Ryan when we were on a break and if she thinks I am she can spin on it, seriously. I feel really bad for her. I mean, Mark – you know Mark – he’s never home and when he sees her it’s only to ask about that FUGLY dog and to buy chickens so Mark can kill them himself so they can eat like regular people, and she says she’s really lonely and bored and stuff, and all that money really doesn’t make up for being home on her own, and Mark doesn’t let her out except to go see his folks at Christmas, which is REALLY BAD in my opinion. You know, I’m such a good person, I didn’t even give her a hard time, even though she totally sided with Hermione over everything. Anyway, so, there’s like this super-cute little prom thing, it’s like a total vintage moment, and it’s being sponsored by Podio and Soundcloud and they’ve asked me to be like the maid of honour or something, which is really good. I think they want my advice about their business model or something. TAKE THAT HERMIONE! No but it’s really cool because I get to meet all the VCs and get free drinks and I’ve been DYING to show off that new dress I picked up in Vegas. Do they have maids of honour at proms? I don’t know, but anyway it’s going to be totally – what do we say now? Is it still fetch? So I was, like, supposed to tell you about what happened in the last episode of the show, but, well, I’m sorry but my boyfriend called and he said they’re pitching to Dave McClure and he TOTALLY needs a good luck blowjob, so I have to get Uber all the way to Pacific Heights right now, I mean Jesus. But don’t worry. No one else was watching the show anyway by the end. Ta ta, my British friends, love to London and OH MY GOD HOW DID THAT FUCKING BITCH GET FUNDING?!?!??!?!?!?!?!