Al Gore vs. Sean Parker – the full transcript

For the benefit of those who were not able to attend Al Gore’s interview of Sean Parker at SXSW today, Ezra Butler shares the complete transcript of their on-stage conversation.

The moderator welcomes Al Gore, former Vice President and Presidential hopeful, and Sean Parker, founder of Napster and former president of Facebook.

Al Gore: Sean, I’m envious of you, and I’ve created a 10 slide PowerPoint to explain exactly how. To begin with, you actually had the title of President. Presidents have all the fun. The parties. The interns. The drugs. Even though Bill didn’t inhale, and you didn’t [airquotes] “insufflate”.

Sean Parker: Thank you Al. I think you are forgetting the most important thing. When they made a movie about me, I was played by heart-throb Justin Timberlake. You were played by an unknown, Grady Couch, in an HBO special. Even my movie made $100 million.

Gore: That is an inconvenient truth right there. [Laughing] I should probably leave right now and add a few more slides to the ole PowerPoint.

Parker: In all seriousness, I am eternally grateful to you. I wouldn’t have any of my houses, cars, suits, helicopters, rings, watches, yachts, or vintage video game machines had you not created the internet. I’m fucking rich. Because of you.

Gore: Well, you’re very welcome. I am happy to say that I even have over 75,000 likes on my Facebook page. Only 18,000 people like Global Warming, so I guess I’m winning!

Parker: Well, with Votizen, the future of all voting will be on the Internet, whether it’s for the President of the United States or the Winner of American Idol.

Gore: As long as they are easy for old Jewish voters to operate, I will happily help you out. And just as long as you don’t have anyone named Chad on the board.

Parker: You really never forget.

Gore: I think that youth should do more to change the political arena in the United States. Are flash mobs still a thing? Is there a really patriotic song they can break out into?

Parker: Well, to paraphrase Jesus, “The Nerd will inherit the Earth”. A sinister combination of SOPA and Global Warming created the Nerd Spring in the US, in January. Our blackout proved that without Wikipedia, Washington doesn’t run.

Gore: I know a thing or two about back rooms in Washington, and, quite honestly, if you think anyone even Wikipedias the information before putting a new law to a vote, you’d be quite mistaken. The real reason why the Blackout worked was because all the homosexual sex blogs aimed at closeted Republican Congressmen blacked themselves out as well.

Parker: To be fair, I understand the plight of the closeted Congressmen. I am not gay, I actually have a smoking fiancée. Even Ryan Tate at Gawker agreed! But it is a pain in the ass to have the press on you all the time.

Gore: I totally agree. Every time I decide to take one of my planes for a joy-ride, I get the Huffington Post writing about how high my carbon footprint is. Don’t they remember that I lowered Global Warming by like 2 per cent? I deserve to splurge every once in a while.

Parker: Welcome to my life. It’s the same people that badmouth me to the New York Times who eat the most Almas caviar at my parties.

Gore: Vote Democrat or those Republicans are going to nuke Iran with all your delicious caviar.

Parker: [Severely] But Al, if I could be frank with you, there is one thing I wish someone would have advised you years ago.

Gore: Yes.

Parker: The title of your Academy Award-winning documentary was way too long. You should have dropped the “An” and just named it “Inconvenient Truth.”

Gore: Oh?

Parker: Yeah. Cleaner.

Moderator: Thank you former Vice President Gore and former President Parker for sharing your thoughts of the future of politics with us, at the most important tech event in the world. It is here in Austin where we really come together and discuss how we can make the interne… Oh shit, I just got a Highlight notification. Hermione Way is outside with a microphone. Gotta go, y’all.