Increasing numbers of men are submitting themselves to ritual humiliation and self-imposed denial of sex, saying they get a kick out of total submission to their wives. Jeremy Wilson explores the online side of the chastity movement.
When you think of chastity belts, you are probably imagining corseted princess virgins kept under lock until the arrival of key-wielding princes. Or something like that. But chastity belts are no longer the preserve of fevered Victorian fantasy and there’s a thriving online industry in chastity devices serving a growing clientele – men, especially – who utilise them for a unique form of sexual gratification. Welcome to the world of chastity.
Today, the vast majority of chastity devices are designed for men, and sold over the internet.
In short, chastity devices serve as a way of controlling the wearer’s sexual behaviour, physically blocking the possibility of intercourse and masturbation. But while chastity belts of the type imagined on seventeenth-century virgins do exist, and there is a small online community of women with chastity fantasies, today, the vast majority of chastity devices are designed for men, and sold over the internet.
Most chastity cages are padlock-equipped, completing the fantasy of being “sealed away”. One website run by notorious chastity fan “Altairboy” has been painstakingly cataloguing all chastity devices since 1996, but those serious about locking down their tackle usually opt for a device made by A.L. Enterprises or Mature Metal.
The delicately crafted products of the A.L. Enterprises are made from high quality plastic, with their flagship model, the $149.95 CB-6000, epitomising their hallmark aesthetic of artfully sculpted, vented cages. Mature Metal, on the other hand sell custom made stainless steel cages, the classic “Jailbird” setting purchasers back $320.
The cage is merely a utensil that helps facilitate exceedingly drawn-out foreplay, of which power exchange is a central component.
While the cages may vary in construction methods and finish, they all serve their primary function: orgasm denial. Orgasm denial is a multi-faceted erotic fantasy, but at its heart is a desire by a submissive man to give control of his sexual release to a dominant woman (or another man). Unlike many fantasies, it can be an all-consuming obsession, condemning the cage-wearer to constant frustration and anticipation.
Of course, the cage is merely a utensil that helps facilitate exceedingly drawn-out foreplay, of which power exchange is a central component. The dominant partner in these relationships is often called the “key holder”, since they literally hold the key to the chastity cage. The control the key gives is both physical and psychological, allowing constant erotic power-play to take place. This continual, heightened state of submission is what the chastity fantasists crave. As a user of chastityforums.com put it:
I guess what I’m saying is I’ve willingly traded in my ability to orgasm so that I’m left in this constant state of needing and wanting and totally subsuming my needs to her will. For some people, that might sound scary or even unhealthy. It is, for me, the most total and comforting and satisfying submission I can imagine.
The need for submission is one part of chastity’s appeal to these men, but there’s another significant benefit, if you like, to clamping a padlock to your privates: the promise of sexualised humiliation. The cage, in whatever medieval torture device form it takes, serves as a perpetual yoke of degradation.
There’s some debate in the chastity community over what constitutes “time spent” in chastity. The purists insist that only time locked in a cage counts while others count between orgasms, including time they are released from their cages for hygiene or “tease and denial” reasons. Others still count “ruined” orgasm and “milking”, of which more later, in their time spent in chastity.
There are no rules: in online forums men share the arrangements they have come to with their key holder. Some are locked up for just 24 hours at a time, some are let out whenever their wife wants sex, perhaps once a week, and some claim extraordinary long waits between orgasm with one man claiming to have been made to wait 738 days.
Wearing a device for so long presents many practical considerations and the online forums serve as a handy place for men around the world to share tips and idea. Silicon-based lube is often spoken of in reverential tones for its properties as an anti-chafing agent and methods for keeping a high standard of hygiene find themselves meriting much discussion.
Unfortunately, despite this pooling of resources, a reliable method for cleaning plastic cages without their removal has yet to be found.
In a world where waiting for sex, not having sex, provides the pleasure, the ultimate fantasy is to be denied forever. It’s a concept that’s often discussed online and one that may have become reality for “thumper”, the man behind the chastity blog denyingthumper.com who is beholden to a key holder with “no plans” to let him orgasm. It’s not a future that thumper seems too upset about.
“Some might wonder what the point is of living a permanently denied life. Some might think that taking the orgasm out of the equation might somehow alter the outcome such that it’s no longer appealing. Basically, some guys, even denied and locked-up ones, might still like the idea of occasionally coming (or, at least, the promise of it). I get that. That’s not me.
“I guess what I’m saying is I’ve willingly traded in my ability to orgasm so that I’m left in this constant state of needing and wanting and totally subsuming my needs to her will. For some people, that might sound scary or even unhealthy. It is, for me, the most total and comforting and satisfying submission I can imagine.”
Being locked in chastity doesn’t mean the denial of sexual pleasure, just an abstention from release. In fact many men revel in the new found gratification they glean from the tease and denial games they engage in with their “key holders”. Moreover, many seem to have learned to focus on gaining pleasure from giving pleasure – the best strap-on to wear while locked in chastity is source of fevered debate on the forums. chastityforums.com user Finn attempts to explain this “sharing” of pleasure.
Being locked in chastity doesn’t mean the denial of sexual pleasure, just an abstention from release.
“I haven’t had a full orgasm in over 14 months. I’ve probably had 1/2 of one, maybe 4 times in that period, and 10-20% of one is more common. We only occasionally use a device as well. What we do is closer to Tantric/Karreza though. The idea is that the male focuses on sharing the orgasms they give. This does work to provide some relief, some of the time… If I focus 100% on giving and sharing the energy of the womens orgasm, I can get physical and mental relief, though I also enjoy the frustration, as much as I hate to admit it.”
For health reasons many couples involved in long term chastity use “ruined orgasms” or prostate massages. These process are often described as cleaning out the plumbing without allowing the pleasure. In a ruined orgasm the man is teased over and over till ejaculation is reached with no stimulation. Alternatively, a prostate massage can be used to drain ejaculate without allowing an orgasm. Both methods of “clearing the plumbing” are possible to achieve without removing the chastity cage.
The vast majority of the time it seems men are initiating chastity play. Forums are full of of topics such as “ Reluctant Wife” where the age-old problem of convincing your wife to let you lock up your willy is discussed, together with the occasional posts from wives asking: “what’s in it for me?”. Interestingly, many wives – and it always seems to be wives, not partners – warm to the idea once they’ve been introduced as a forum user called regularjoe explained.
“I’ve only been under lockup for a few months, and am now let out about every 14 to 30 days. That’s not much time in the cage compared to a lot of these guys. My wife was really leery at first; concerned about long-term inhibition to my erections…she has always loved riding a hard cock, but she’s since found a substitute that meets that particular need (which I won’t go into here) and enjoys keeping me frustrated. She now demands I wear my device, and delights in subjecting me to a fair amount of tease and denial.”
Of course, it isn’t always the men who set the chastity wheels in motion. As in the case of lednlocked:
“A week or so ago, my wife said she wanted to speak to me. She completelyfreaked me out when she told me what she wanted, an FLR [Female Led Relationship] and chastity play… I considered how little fun I had brought to our bedroom. I had been rather selfish and inhibited our entire marriage. The obeying her part was even easier to accept because I could see how much of a liar I had been…The fear of having to trust her and obey without question became arousing and appealing.”
Not all good news
The inability to enjoy sex normally again once men have gone down the chastity route is a common problem. In a post called “Feeling Bad about having Ogasms [sic] now?” men all came to the same conclusion: they couldn’t find pleasure in sexual climax anymore.
“For the last 2.5 years my wife has locked me. This year she has me on a once a month real orgasm plan…. However, the last few months I have found a day or two before the big day I get kinda sad knowing it will soon be all over and I’ll have another (for me) long wait of about 30 days till the next one.”
“I have felt bad following an orgasm after a denial period.”
“I have definitely experienced an emotional let down when a period of chastity ends”
“Most of the time I rather be denied even if she has my dick in her mouth and I’m about to cum.”
Not all men with a chastity fetish are in a relationship and this is where the online world once again comes to the rescue. Hundreds of online Mistresses offer “key holding” services, offering ingenious ways of of keeping an eye on their men such as required daily photos of a plastic numbered padlock sealing the cage – all for a price.
There’s even an OkCupid of the chastity world – keyholderfinder.com – which claims 10,790 active members both looking for key holders and looking for submissives.
There’s even an OkCupid of the chastity world – keyholderfinder.com – which claims 10,790 active members
The men who embark on this extraordinary undertaking are evidently unhappy with their lot in life and are looking for a change. But it’s clear from the chronicling of their online adventures that a change is exactly what they achieve. After fifteen months locked up, one man listed the differences he observed in himself. His comments are typical of long-term chastity enthusiasts.
1. Total personality change – have become soft spoken, mild, generous, non-aggressive
2. Accepted my wife’s ownership over me from the bottom of my heart (and dick!)
3. Take real pleasure in serving my wife in whatever she demands
4. Do not even feel like confronting or arguing with my wife on any issues (she no more threatens to punish me)
5. Started seeing the good side of my wife & ignoring her faults
6. Developed the urge of spending maximum time with her in bed
7. Enjoy obeying her orders / instructions that are rewarded with sex
8. My wife has started caring for me like never before
9. Sharp increase in emotional bonding with wife
After all this, do I have a reason to quit chastity?
Indeed. The question is, what reason do the middle-aged married men of the western world have not to get started?