Grindr hacked: who should be panicking?

Milo Yiannopoulos reveals who will be freaking out now that the gay cruising app’s database has been compromised.

On Friday, we learned that an Australian hacker had compromised creepy gay cruising app Grindr’s security, leaving as many as 100,000 of Sydney’s heavy breathers vulnerable to public humiliation and professional disaster.

But, as it turns out, until Grindr drops an update to the app, its entire worldwide database is vulnerable to unwanted intruders, because the hacker in question posted detailed instructions online as to how he snuck in. So who should be worried?

1. Ambitious young Tories

There’s a buttoned-up but also lascivious demi monde of mostly young Conservative Party employees, including researchers and Special Advisors, who like nothing better than an anonymous same-sex shag after a night discussing the forthcoming white paper on “strengthening the family”.

Many of them are relatively open about their homosexuality and might even consider it a selling point in front of a bien pensant Parliamentary selection committee. But they’ll have a harder time explaining to even the most enlightened Tory ladies why they use a mobile app in search of a blow job in a dark alley.

2. Schoolteachers

Sorry, chaps, but you can’t get away with the excuse that the prefect with the long eyelashes accidentally brushed against your smelly cords when you’ve used an iPhone app to lure him into the language laboratory. Even the notoriously slippery teaching unions will have difficulty justifying that sort of “multicultural encounter” to Michael Gove – and, besides, what are you going to tell the wife?

3. Clergymen

Grindr is a familiar, if forbidden, accessory in the lives of certain Anglican priests, who are terrified that their archdeacon might find out – or, worse, their long-term boyfriend who happily plays the role of vicar’s wife in the parish.

He won’t be so happy once he discovers that his ordained other half takes it up the rear from electricians and plumbers straight out of a 1970s porn flick.

For Roman Catholic clergy, Grindr means instant defrocking – not that certain Reverend Fathers aren’t dab hands at defrocking themselves when their iPhone tells them that a juicy piece of chicken is in the offing.

Still, the disgraced clergy can at least look forward to a mental challenge of the first order. Imagine trying to explain Grindr to a brain-dead old booby of a bishop who is still getting his head around the idea that not all phones have cords attached to them.

4. Journalists

Several Left-leaning newspapers and television stations employ hacks who are “out and proud”. But are they really proud of the way they use their company iPhones to take advantage of an adolescent bit of rough who doesn’t even earn the minimum wage, let alone slap long lunches on expenses?

Hint: the whole Grindr thing is especially uncomfortable territory for whippet-thin, right-on “serious” business reporters who combine sick-making moral superiority with the stroppy manner of a sex-starved shop assistant in home furnishings.

5. Classical musicians

The world of classical music is full of semi-closeted orchestral players and singers for whom the sweetest melody in the world is the chirping of their mobiles announcing a nice surprise.

But a word of warning to unsuspecting Grindr users suddenly confronted by a countertenor mincing into view: these guys’ squeals of delight can shatter chandeliers at a hundred paces.

Concerned Grindr users can ask for their data to be deleted from the company’s database here.