Sorry, but hot people do not use Android phones

If you’re looking to get lucky, there’s only one class of phone that’s guaranteed to nobble your chances, thinks Milo Yiannopoulos.

Not to be rude, but when was the last time you saw a smouldering hottie merrily chatting away into an Android phone? That’s right, you never have. Because giving in to Android is just another way of advertising that you care more about PHP than people.

Hot people do not use Android. If they’re time-rich, cash-poor hipster cuties, they’ll be sporting that ubiquitous symbol of cool, the iPhone. It’s those apps, man. I don’t understand how some people make it past an artisanal card shop without Instagramming it for the boys back at the agency.

If, on the other hand, the hunk in question is in gainful employment, he’ll have a BlackBerry. No, it’s true: venture capitalists, journalists, politicians… there’s a reason anyone whose job actually matters uses an indestructible brick from RIM.

But Android? Well, it just sends out the wrong message. See, your typical Android user is a humourless, uppity tech start-up CTO who’s snobbish about the iPhone (usually some bollocks they’ve picked up from the Electronic Frontier Foundation about Apple’s “oppressive walled garden”).

But they’re also utterly aesthetically insensitive, apparently not realising that every Android device ever made is hideously, hideously, hideously fugly. I mean, seriously: what is wrong with these handset manufacturers? It’s like their design brief was: “create a carbuncle”.

No one ever got laid pulling out an HTC Touch. Fact. They’re the mobile phone design equivalent of cot death. Men who use them are telling you: “I’m better than you, only I’m clearly not because I have no money and no taste.” Women who use them are saying: “I don’t care how anything looks and I probably haven’t trimmed in six months.”

Mobile phones, like cars and one’s taste in soft furnishings, are about more than simple consumer opinion. They’re aspirational lifestyle choices: signals to the world that tell other people what kind of person you are, who you look up to and what you want from life.

iPhone users include designers, musicians, students, socialites and everyone in Hollywood you’ve ever wanted to bang. BlackBerry users include David Cameron, Obama and Eric Schmidt. (That’s actually true: Schmidt uses a BlackBerry for real work.)

Windows Phone is for small children and the elderly, like nappies and blended food.

Android users? Well, you’re looking at Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, Kid Rock, Jocelyn Wildenstein, fat John Travolta, Occupy protesters, Liberal Democrats and that really, really creepy guy in engineering who won’t stop looking at your ass. In other words, trainwrecks, pariahs and has-beens.

So the next time you’re wandering innocently around the O2 store, wondering if it’s worth trying something new, ask yourself the question: do I ever want to have sex again? I’m guessing the answer’s yes.